Oh sweet little box of death, you are so loved. Within the four walls of a cigarette carton lie 20 combatants of death who are waiting to slowly chip away at our bodies like a vulture on a dead carcass. But that doesn’t matter; these lovers of ruin are needed.
What else can satisfy our oral fixations and offer our bodies 4,000 chemicals in one cigarette? From the first inhale, we irritate the membranes in our nose, eyes, and throat; the smoke voyaging to our lungs paralyzes the tissues and leaves us with a parting gift of tar, to further lower our natural defenses.
Moreover, cigarettes excite our hearts, triggering them to beat faster and erratically. Why exercise or have sex to have the same effect? The cigarette’s charismatic personality doesn’t stop there, but lessens the blood flow to our skin, accelerating the aging process. Who doesn’t want to look older than their age?
You enchant our senses, impairing our taste and smell, like the IMF and World Bank impair developing countries. You are made up of the most delicious and delectable ingredients. With every inhale we can taste the Hydrogen Cyanide, just like the Jews tasted it in the Gas Chambers. Arsenic also flavors our taste buds, which rats eat when they decide that they want to die. Why use ammonia just to clean our kitchen floors, when we can get doses of it with every puff? And who would have thought car exhaust would taste so good? Nothing however, can compare with the savor of nicotine, a mouth-watering pesticide. It’s no wonder insects love it so much.
It is astonishing that it would be anyone’s New Year’s Resolution to quit! If we stop smoking, who is going to supply secondhand smoke to non-smokers? Even the Surgeon General stresses the benefits of smoking on each packet: it causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, and May Complicate Pregnancy (thank god).
Who doesn’t want to be a slave to the tobacco companies? They prey on our insecurities with their advertisements, giving us a sense of importance. They take away millions of dollars from our wallets like high school boys take virginities at prom. Our ability to socialize would dwindle and we would no longer be able to express ourselves. We want to be weak and pathetic and hide behind this screen of smoke. How else could we survive through the day without illuminating a cigarette?
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